Triggers
Trigger Warning!
We have had a problem at our house. There’s been a lot of going back and forth between various members of the family. Little things seem to “get our goat” so to speak. For me, it causes a lot of shame. I’m the mom, after all. I shouldn’t have this in my home. I must be a failure. We really need to have constant and unfailing harmony. Blame and shame? Not at my house. Guess again. It’s been happening. And too often for my conflict-avoiding self. We were in church the other morning, and the preacher was talking about this very thing. He said something like this - “If there is a lot of conflict in your life, you don’t have enough God in your life.” Wow. That landed. I decided that at lunch time I was going to see how everyone else felt about adding more upbuilding God-centered social life to our schedule (because I thought this might help us as a family bring more positivity and some diversion into our lives). So while we were sitting and waiting on our curry and naan at the Nepalese restaurant, I brought up the subject. It was going fairly well until I said, “I just thought something like this could help us with the issue we’ve been having of fighting.” Whoa. TRIGGER. The same ole dynamic of blame, shame, deny, etc. There it was - the very thing I was trying to fix. So then it was ME ending up with the biggest trigger of all. “Nothing will help. It’s hopeless. I guess I just have to be quiet. No one but me sees this problem. I can’t handle this. I’m a terrible mom. And of course - NO ONE LOVES ME.” Tears, and a few long looks from the people working in the restaurant. I choked down the food - I’m pretty sure it was delicious like always. Our four beautiful and amazing children took their own vehicle and went home, and Chet and I took a drive out to Devils Tower for the afternoon. And proceeded to navigate the trigger.
In the end, the trigger proved to be a huge help and shone a light on one of the root causes of the issue. We saw how the issue was only a symptom, a fruit, of something else going on deeper between him and I. And it was so helpful to see and understand it! It wasn’t fun to dig through all that garbage, for sure when we were feeling like a piece of it ourselves. It was like pawing our way from the bottom of the trash pile till we surfaced into the fresh air (but still came out smelling like it!).
Triggers can be our friends. They show us where our wounds are, the things that need to be healed. The biggest challenge with triggers is - when I am triggered, to NOT blame the one or ones that supposedly “triggered” me. In the moment of the trigger, I truly and honestly think it’s their fault. It takes a huge amount of grace to stay present. I immediately move into “fix-it” mode because the trigger is so terribly uncomfortable. One of the hardest truths to swallow is that we are 100% responsible for our triggers. That doesn’t mean that there’s not truth to the idea that the other party did something hurtful. Very likely they did. But what sensitive spot in me did it touch? If we dare to look at it, we will discover a belief we hold about ourselves, some shame, guilt, resentment, anger, trauma, or something that is wanting to be healed. Warning… It doesn’t help to go into blaming ourselves either. That is actually probably already partly why we are experiencing the trigger.
So… back away, observe, don’t judge myself or the other person, ask God to show me the truth behind the trigger, don’t get frantic or panicky, breathe. This is my prescription for myself next time. Will I be able to keep from going into a full-blown trigger? Maybe not, maybe so. Maybe it will take a day or two to even get to the place where I can do this. That’s okay. As long as I can eventually take responsibility and explore the trigger territory, I’m giving myself a chance to heal what’s wanting to be seen through the trigger.
-RCY
